"I mean, I know you'll get through this” I said shakily, knowing as soon as I said it that I was failing as a friend.
Even with good intentions, it can sometimes be hard to help a friend when they are hurting and looking for comfort. When someone you care about is opening up, telling you their private struggles, and making themselves vulnerable, you naturally want to help. But if you're like me - a flawed, awkward, and imperfect human - sometimes you don't know how.
You fumble it. Slide in with a meaningless platitude or generic statement. You look away at the wrong moment and accidentally send the message that you don't care. Where you want to help, you only leave your friend feeling frustrated, misunderstood, or worst of all, unloved.
Being a good friend is hard at the best of times. Being a good friend when your really, truly needed is even more difficult. It's taken me a long time, and more than a few mistakes that I regret more than anything, but I've found the secret to truly helping a loved one in need boils down to two key things.
Listen closely
Listening is an underrated skill, and one that is much more difficult to practice than to preach. But, listening is also one of the greatest tools of compassion the Lord has given us. So much hurting can be salved just by a good friend who is willing to really listen.
Real listening means understanding and appreciating what the other person is going through. It's resisting the urge to join in and share your own problems (commiserating about similar problems has it's place, but not until the other person has fully expressed themselves). It's about not jumping in with a quick word of advice or a suggested fix (a habit I've had to work on in my own life as a compulsive problem-solver).
Most of the time, when people want a friend to listen to them, they aren't expecting or desiring solutions or explanations. They just want someone to know what they're going through. So stop spending your time thinking about what you're going to say and start spending it listening.
In our hyper-stimulated, over-accelerated world, it can be difficult to pump the brakes and really invest yourself in one conversation. But real listening requires total focus, eye-contact, and attention. It's not something you can do while checking your Facebook status or responding to a quick text. When a friend is hurting, put away the trivial distractions and focus on what really matters.
Open your ears and your heart. Keep your mouth closed until you really have something to say.
Be present
God made us as social creatures. Although there is a lot to say for self-reliance and inner-strength, we're wired to crave the contact and support of loved ones and friends. This is all the more important when you're hurting and in need (not want, but need) of contact and support.
We say that when we gather together on Sundays to worship as a community, the Holy Spirit is with us. I feel it is the same way when we support each other when the chips are down. God shows his love through our family and friends. It's through their love and support that the Spirit of the Lord moves and works within us. When someone is hurting, just the simple presence of another can be a tremendous comfort.
If you've ever had the misfortune of waiting in a hospital room you'll understand. When your cold and alone in one of those breezy gowns, unsure of what was going to happen next, scared over what the doctor may say, you'll give anything just for a hand to hold. It's hard to describe the incredible relief a friendly face can bring in those moments.
In His darkest moment, even Jesus wanted someone near him. In the garden of Gethsemane, knowing that his time on Earth was coming to a close and that He'd soon be taken by the Romans to the agony of crucifixion, Jesus said to James and John "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me” before retiring to pray.
And when he was done praying, Jesus returned and was dismayed to find His friends had fallen asleep rather than keep watch on him as He asked. Jesus suffered many tortures and agonies being led to the cross, but for some reason, this small betrayal always stood out to me. Here is the Son of God, about to commit the greatest sacrifice imaginable for humanity, a teacher and rabbi who has already done so much for so many and asked for nothing in return - and the one time he asks his disciples for some support, they can't even keep their eyes open.
One can only imagine the shame and regret John and James would feel later. Learn from their mistake. When your friends truly need you, be there for them in a real, meaningful way.
This may seem like basic advice, and in some ways it is. As humans, compassion is something we've been very good at complicating and mystifying. It might seem a little obvious, but the best way to really help a friend in need is to put yourself aside for a moment, listen, and be there for them. Compassion and empathy don't need to be difficult.
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